The state

It just comes sneaking to your soul , it doesn't leave a place it just keeps propagating inside your mind , it captivates you with its purity yet devilish attitude , it gives you shiver all the time and reproduce destructive thoughts inside your head , it produce the childish sound that we all hate and drum beats keep playing in your ears, it makes you not able to walk stamped in your place. It's your inner fear that can capture you or set you free.

Déjà vu

Déjà vu , (literally "already seen") is the experience of feeling sure that one has already witnessed or experienced a current situation, even though the exact circumstances of the prior encounter are uncertain and were perhaps imagined. wikipedia

I was planning to start the topic with this definition and carry on writing but seems that the definition said exactly what i wanted to say , how many times do we have to keep repeating the same mistakes and ending up stuck in the same memory and same pain. It's at those moments that you feel like 'hey' i felt like this before i was stuck in this dilemma before or that same rock had hit my heart before. In my case it's not a Déjà vu  it's just me repeating the same mistakes.

The parking slot

After a long busy day at work he's back home carrying on his burden all the traffic jams he passed through , now he's facing one last test .. finding a place to park his car. The journey for searching could take him from 1 minute and at this moment he could go and pray prayers of gratitude to God and it could take him 1 hour and then he'd go and curse the day he bought the car. He tried to be one of those luxurious people who buy parking slots on their own , but he couldn't afford it and all he could do is just envy them; carving out part of the street with their money. Some people just park their car outside the street like a street dog that lost its way; careless of the flying danger that could happen to their car, but he couldn't do that to his lovely 'Juliette' , he couldn't stand to harm her or even give her the tiniest scratch , how could he do that.

He remembers his long story of suffering to buy 'Juliette' how he nearly started living on debt for few years to pay the installment , how buying a car was his first step towards the materialistic journey of life , how could he forget the first engine swoosh, the first smell of the air freshener , the first family ride, it just all seemed a perfect dream coming true, with the smell of the new furniture running through his nose and blowing his mind away. All these thoughts seemed so clear and now he can see he wasted 30 minutes, waiting for an angel from heaven to take away one of those cars; so he can park 'Juliette' close to his home, but sadly seemed that all angels already took all the parking slots.

After some time he moved to another part of his life and with each taken parking slot he started remembering all the chances he didn't take in life that could have made him .. maybe wealthier maybe happier or maybe satisfied , he remembered this job he didn't shoot for , he remembered the girl he left with a broken heart , he remembered how he was always too afraid to say 'Yes' while the easy word was always 'No'. He started realizing that all those taken parking slots could have made him a better un-fearful person , but in the end of the day he's back home tired and still left with no place to park his car.

An Alien Dream

I had once that weird dream , that i still clearly remember , i dreamed that a 'UFO' came to visit me by the balcony of my home with its big shiny front lights flashing the sky in-front of my eyes , i wasn't afraid at all from its light i felt as a hope is coming to grab me away , without any talk the Alien spaceship just uncovered its lips and without words the permission was clear , they wanted me on the ship. A mixture of feelings were there within me the only thing i wished for was to wish my family a goodbye but they didn't even want to grant me my final earthy wish. I just smiled to my home and i was flying away to ride on the ship waving goodbye to the home where i always lived, in complete joy and surrender.

I remembered this dream today and i really thought to myself why was i in complete happiness and surrender to the Alien decision to take me away from earth , why i wasn't afraid to be taken away from the land like a tree being chopped off its soil. Maybe i really don't belong here, maybe i needed a cinematic change to my life, maybe because i was ready to give up everything, just to reveal the secrets of the universe and  life in outer space, but i believe the most realistic answer was that maybe i thought i'd find real humans somewhere in outer space as this earth is becoming lately ......... A land full of Aliens.

The Train

 

Mal: I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you; but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?
Cobb: Because you'll be together. 

 

This quote is from the movie Inception and this post has nothing to do with the movie , but for whatever reason i can't remove these words from my head lately.  The train The waiting The far away place The hope, Those make a perfect mix at this missing piece of puzzle in my life and to conclude my situation now.

I'm waiting for a train